I need to make it known before I start that I love being a mom and that I've tried this blog thing like a thousand times since college and it's never stuck. So, there's a huge chance that I'll probably delete this. I've thought about this a million times, talked about it hundreds of times, but maybe typing it all out and seeing it all there will help. (Also, don't make fun of grammar, I know it fucking sucks.. you don't have to read it ya know)
Like EVERY parent out there... it's so tough maintaining your own identity. It's extremely frustrating when you don't have your own space, when you don't have your me-time. I graduated from college in 2011 with the hopes of returning to school to get my masters two years later, MAX. It is now 2017 and I just recently emailed admission questions to two schools I'm interested in.
I started my visual merchandising career straight out of college and it's been great however, I've always felt a part of me is missing. I feel like I jibbed myself. I still don't know who I am as an artist which means I still don't know who I am. When I realized a couple years ago how long it's been since I graduated, I told myself that I will work on side projects and figure all this out, it might be harder, but I'll do it. It's been a very slow process. This year, I finally started making "art" again, but I still catch myself crafting to sell at handmade markets. I promised myself that I will limit to one craft fair a year, but am hoping I won't go back (have your fingers crossed that I'll continue to try to list on Etsy, but it's not my thing). Today, I even created a new Instagram account just to post all the crafts for sale for a stupidly cheap price because I need to declutter my life man! (@trimshoppesale)
SO, so far the progress has been that I've reached out to schools about their masters program, I'm getting rid of my crafts and I've actually continued to make some art. There's a call for artist for political pieces and I'm hoping I'll create some good enough work that will get accepted. If not, I at least tried. It's something, right?
By the way, I'm not saying that I'll stop crafting. I catch myself doing it ALL the time. It keeps my hands busy which I love and it gives my mind a rest. I think that's why I've done nothing, but craft for the past six years. I turned my mind off and wasn't working from my heart. I was making "quick" and cheap things. Crafting quickies for money isn't worth it and I truly envy people who have found their niche (not saying they don't create from the heart and mind, I haven't been and you can tell) I'll continue to craft, but I plan on making better pieces. I'm still figuring out what that is, but one thing is it has to be fun. The art I create can be freaking depressing and heavy, but it's therapy so crafting will have to be rainbows and farts.
I constantly find myself trying to work at night after the child is asleep, but that takes away from my own sleep before I go to my 9 to 5 OR I work on what I can during my lunch break at my 9 to 5. It is extremely exhausting. She won't leave me alone, haha. I mean, it's not too bad right now. I've been able to sit with my laptop for a good hour playing on Pinterest and now blogging. Ruby found me and actually doesn't want to play with my computer, but has been laying on the floor next to me. We're both chilling while listening to the Moana soundtrack... okay, so I had the intent to vent about parenting, working full-time, and finding your identity because doing all three has been my crisis and she's actually chilling right next to me as I type this. She's making me look like a liar...
Whatever, man. I know I have to stay focused and stop distracting myself with projects that strays from my plan. I want to be limitless, but right now I need to have structure otherwise I really will be a "jack of all trades and master of none".